Mort's Funeral Parlor
That was Your Beautiful Big Blue Eyes,
by Booboo McKee and the Cornstalks.
Don't touch that dial, 'cause this next tune
is sure to get your blood flowing.
Out with the old -
And in with the new.
Yes, yes - splendid.
This little piggy is lifeless,
and this little piggy can't roam,
this little piggy is
still as the grave, and this
little piggy is done,
and this little piggy -
We interrupt our broadcast for an important news flash.
This one's a doozy, folks.
It seems we got ourselves a trio
of highly dangerous fugitives
in the Rimsore area.
One of the male suspects is described as
having a black beehive hairdo.
The second wears a red hat
and a matching jump-suit,
and the third one is very nice looking woman
dressed in a lizard skin outfit.
Stay tuned for updates.
This little piggy went
all the way to its
new home.
Don't touch that dial, 'cause we got
45 minutes on non-stop
toe-tapping tunes.
Lexx 4.15 - Mort
What are all those cars doing back there?
I don't know, beats me.
How's Kai doing?
How you doing, Kai pal?
Not so good. He's dead to the world,
and I don't mean in a good way.
I think you should be going a little faster, car.
What is it, what's happening?
I don't know. The car's stopping on its own.
Oh great, that's just great!
Go, car, go!
Don't stop now!
Look, this is a Type 13 planet
which means it's very primitive.
I don't think the car can hear you.
- Well? - Well, I'm
pretty good on mechanical things,
and everything looks fine.
There must be something wrong with its programming.
- Maybe it needs to eat. - No.
Maybe it's thirsty then.
Maybe that's why those cars were stopping back there.
No Xev, no no, it's not like the Lexx,
it doesn't have to eat or drink.
Fine.
I could probably reprogram it
if I could find the main processor.
What am I gonna use for tools?
I mean, I've got nothing!
What's that for?
Kai.
Hey Xev, over there.
Just stay calm, Stan.
Maybe they won't notice us.
All units, all units -
the Prime Ridge suspects
are east of the town road.
Repeat, the three Prime Ridge suspects
are just east of the town road,
heading for the woods.
???Let's moov it.???
Look up.
You OK?
Ya.
You look so down -
but I got something -
some things - to cheer you up.
Piggies.
Quick.
Kai.
Get him up. Ya get up.
Mort's Funeral Parlor - I got ya.
I get, I get, I get you.
Mort's Fun Parlor
Little tiny
beautifully perfect piggies -
and look, they go
wee wee wee wee wee -
Ah - company.
Hello? Hello?
- Hello? Come on, - Please open!
somebody answer.
- Yes? - Please let us in.
No, I think we got the wrong - the house next door -
Has he been dead for a while?
Six thousand years.
You're the fugitives from
the radio, aren't you?
- What fugitives? - No.
The ones wanted for the Prime Ridge murders.
- No, no. - No no no, we're not. - Yes you are.
OK, we are fugitives, but we're innocent,
we didn't kill anybody.
Wait. Please let us in,
- the police are after us. - Come on. We're not dangerous.
Come on in.
- Good. - Thanks.
???They are nau on the midele of the woolds.???
???Thet"s rait. On the midele of the woolds.???
What you got, sheriff?
Can't be far.
We'll start a house to house search, pronto.
Yes sir.
It'll be my pleasure to bring those archfiends
in myself sir, dead or alive.
Festus, these freaks are the real thing.
Deranged killers all, they'd chew you up
and spit you out if you try to arrest 'em.
I ain't afraid of them.
No-one writes a finer parking ticket
than you, Festus Trout, but face it -
you're a health inspector who plays at being
a part time cop at the weekends.
Leave the big stuff to the big boys.
You underestimate me, sheriff.
It doesn't matter anyway.
The FBI are insisting they get the collar on this one,
no ifs, ands, or buts.
As far as I'm concerned, they can have it.
So, you see any sign of our suspects,
you report straight to me, and I report to them.
They take the bad guys down, understand?
I don't want to lose any men tonight -
even you.
Do it straight by the book, sir
my book.
Thanks again for letting us in, Mr, er..?
- My name is Mort. - Xev,
Stan, he's Kai.
- What's that? - It's a coffin.
- A what? - You put a dead person in it,
after they die.
Well, yeah, they do that on some planets.
We're from a parallel universe,
and people there are mostly put in the protein bank
and fed to a giant insect.
- Oh. - What do you do
with dead people after you put them in a coffin?
Well, they're viewed here for a day or two
by bereaved relatives,
and then either burned or cremated.
How come you got no dead people here now?
The people in Rimsore think there is something
not quite right about me,
so I don't get that much business
these days, except
over spill from other towns -
like when there's
a big accident
and lots of people get killed.
I'm known for making young women
look their breast -
I mean, best.
- Mort! Mort! - God damed!
Quick - get your friend through there.
Where's the little creep?
Mort!
Mort! Open this door
or I'll kick it in.
Mort!
Kick your ass all the way to the county jail,
shifty little weasel.
Open up, or I'll
snap you like a twig.
Come in, Deputy Trout.
Anyone else in here with you tonight, Mort?
Nobody but me, deputy.
Sure about that?
Sure you don't have
three fugitives running from the law
inside with you?
That's the sort of twisted creepy little
thing that you would do.
What fugitives?
Tell me you don't know
the Prime Ridge killers.
Oh, yes, I did hear something about them,
but no-one's come in here alive, deputy -
except for you.
Standards, Mort,
standards.
Expensive looking coffins you got here, Mort.
Tell me -
how many times do you use 'em?
- Excuse me? - Don't play dumb with me, Mort.
You're a sneak,
and a no-good.
I know you switch these primo coffins
with cheapo cardboard ones
just before you stick the dear
departed into the cremation furnace,
and you sell off the originals, or you
You reuse them, or I don't know what.
- I do no such thing! - Don't lie to me, Mort.
I know what you're up to.
And I'm gonna catch you doing it one of these days.
That's a promise.
Now there's nothing for you down there!
There's nobody here but you, huh Mort?
Nobody alive.
These poor unfortunates were brought in earlier today -
over spill from a tragic food poisoning
case over in Crack Falls.
- And what's in the freezer? - Oh, nothing can live in there.
It's supercold,
minus 80 degrees centigrade.
Well then,
if these folks are really dead,
it won't hurt if jab them with
- this little needle now, will it? - Well, of course not -
but it would make a mess of things -
and it's very disrespectful to the deceased.
- What do you know about respect? - Please,
I'd really rather you didn't.
Is that so, Morty old boy?
Well, I'd really rather that I did.
One of these days, you loathsome
freakish toad,
I'm gonna bring you to justice.
- He's gone. - Whoa, that was
way too close!
I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate needles.
I don't like them either Stan.
The dead do not fear needles.
He spoke!
- Happy day. - But you told me he was dead.
- He is. - Kai, talk to me - are you OK?
Okie dokie -
- going down. - I don't understand.
He's dead - the needle - no reaction!
He's a living dead, OK?
Look, I'll explain it to you later.
Right now we have to try and preserve
what little life he has left. Can we use your freezer?
Yes, it's minus 80 degrees centigrade.
At that temperature cell structure
- doesn't break down, but I don't... - OK, well
that should be cold enough to keep Kai's protoblood
- from breaking down anymore. - Can we put him in there?
No! I mean - yes,
but first I have to clear out a space for him.
Please hurry -
- please. - Yes, yes.
Deedee -
we have visitors.
A living dead one.
This is so exciting.
No -
it's more than that -
it's fate.
Come on in.
Whoa, cold!
Hey, what's with all the body parts?
I'm a mortician. It's my job
to deal with the aftermath of death -
- with all its aspects. - What's under here?
This is of little concern to you.
Quickly, we must leave before the temperature begins to rise.
Hey, that's a transmitter
- 790? - More and more FBI agents
are arriving in the Rimsore area by the hour.
All roads in and out of the county are blocked.
Stan, we are in a big mess.
Oh yeah, what else is new?
OK, well that's it - it's time for action.
What action?
I have absolutely no idea.
- I do, 790. - What?
He's our only hope.
Yeah, well that's not saying much.
We need to use your phone system to contact
a robot head on our ship in space.
Yes. I mean, no -
you can't use the phone system here.
All calls in and out
of Rimsore are surely being monitored.
OK, OK, er - look,
790 picks up all kinds of signals, right?
So we'll just get a squawker. We just...
We just about anything will do.
I'll offer you a small trade.
I'll assist you with your communication,
if you tell me everything you know about
Kai's living death state.
I am very professionally curious, as you can imagine.
Fine. Let's get to work.
But I don't understand.
Does protoblood reanimate
just specially converted dead flesh,
like Kai's, or all
types of dead flesh?
Look, I don't know.
All that protoblood stuff
was done in secret on the Cluster.
Why don't you ask Kai, maybe he knows.
There - we're connected.
790? 790, this is Xev.
Can you hear me? Come in.
790? Are you there?
This is Xev, come in. Answer me, robot head.
I'm here. Where's Kai?
Oh, it's really you.
Listen, things went horribly wrong
in Prime Ridge, you have to help us.
I don't have to do anything -
except get icky licky sticky
with my long gone daddy.
We're being chased by the police forces
and they're closing in. They're gonna kill us!
Sounds good so far.
But they'll get Kai too.
He's almost out of protoblood, he's helpless.
Oh horror!
Put Kai on to confirm your story
and command me to assist you.
He can't, he's out of it.
Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.
Maybe he's there, maybe he's not.
Maybe you're a lying bitch -
certainly you are.
790, she's telling the truth.
Now look, you gotta help us right away
or it's over for all of us,
including Kai,
forever - got it?
I don't trust you, security guard.
Until I talk to the dreamboat of death,
you can lap my uplink.
I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
Yeah, but I guess we have to do what he says,
we have to thaw Kai out enough
so that he can talk to 790.
So let me get this straight -
you pump the preservative fluid
into the dead people, but you're not trying
to bring them back to life or anything, you're just trying to do it for show?
It's for the family, so that
- they can mourn. - What's to mourn about
a sack of pickled flesh?
- Oh no. - What?
I have a viewing in a half an hour.
- I'll need your help now. - But Kai -
Will have to wait.
We'll thaw him later.
But what about - what's a viewing?
We -
hey -
You know, I don't get it.
Why don't they just fire them off
into a protein bank
like we did at the Cluster?
I don't know.
I have been such
a poor host.
You must be starving.
Hell, yeah.
May I offer you some nice sausage?
Sure.
I am so sorry,
sorry, let me clean that for you.
That must be the family.
I must return to the mortuary
and attend to the
dead one. Can I leave you to
- attend the family? - Yeah.
What exactly do we do?
Very little. You have to
offer them comfort,
answer any questions they have,
and tha... and that's all the...
I mean, they'll hardly notice you.
They'll mainly be gathered around the casket
doing the whole boo hoo hoo thing.
- The what? - Expressing their grief.
- Hello! - Hey folks, so...
come on in.
The old lady's laid out over there in the box.
She's all drained and preserved,
just the way you wanted.
Just come on over and do your boo hoo hoo thing
to your heart's content.
So how old was she when she
finally blasted off?
Looks like about a hundred standard years to me -
you know, that's a nice long run.
You must have a lot of memories invested
in the old skin sack.
Stanley, that's no way to talk!
- What? - You must excuse him.
Did she have a happy life?
She must have had a lot, a lot,
a lot of sex then.
The happiest people are the ones who get
to do it all the time, right?
A positive,
a positive, please be
A positive -
no,
no
no!
Still -
all is not lost.
Did she have a husband who satisfied her regularly,
or did she have to do it with anyone who came along?
I mean, that's fun too, right?
What was her favourite position?
Would you like some sausages?
They're fresh.
Yes,
- yes! - No!
Please, I only need a little!
He's only got a little.
But you don't understand,
it's my only chance for
- Deedee! - Who's Deedee?
The only woman I've ever loved.
I thought you loved me, the way you keep
- staring at my breasts - I did love your breasts,
but they're wrong, all wrong.
Wrong, how so?
No, they're perfect, but
they're incompatible
with Deedee's blood type -
in fact, I couldn't determine your blood type at all.
That's because it's part Cluster lizard.
- Where's Deedee? - I'll show you.
Close the door.
This is Deedee.
Isn't she beautiful?
This -
she is your girlfriend?
Not officially.
I never declared my love for her in life.
Deedee loved everybody,
but nobody loved her back -
even though she had an open legs
policy towards every guy
in town - except me.
She hated my guts like
everybody else.
Dirty Deedee they called her -
but I never stopped dreaming about her.
And then one day six years ago
I decided I simply had to tell
her what was in my heart,
no matter what the consequences.
I went to the farm where she lived.
I walked round back
and there she was -
a vision of beauty.
I almost chickened out again,
but I couldn't.
This was the moment of truth.
Deedee!
Deedee's body was sliced to pieces,
but there was one blessing among the carnage.
My beloved's Deedee's head
was still in one piece.
Hope was alive,
alive.
Acting fast, I threw her head
into a cooler until I could return home
and pack it in dry ice.
Since then I have been carefully
rebuilding her to even better
than she was before.
I have been secretly culling
the finest body parts
from corpses over the years,
and that's where you would come in.
You wanted my breasts for Deedee?!
Yes! Flawless breasts
were one of the last parts Deedee needed,
and your perfect orbs
would have been ideal, but
they were the wrong blood type.
I don't think you're well.
And even if she were to come back alive
right now, do you think she'd like you better than before?
I love her more than life,
beyond death,
and when my reanimation
finally succeeds,
I know that she will come
to realise the same
for me.
Maybe, maybe not.
The dead are messed up.
Kai, are you OK?
No.
Mort was trying to steal your protoblood
and cut off my breasts for his - creature.
She is not a creature!
She is my soul.
And your blood
is my only hope.
Then you can have it.
- No, Kai. - Take all you want.
Kai, you're making a big mistake,
you don't have any protoblood to spare.
He does not require much,
and expired protoblood
is of no use to me.
Your generosity
is overwhelming.
Mort, if you stop this right now,
I'll let you have a go with me.
It's the offer of your lifetime.
Your generosity is
also overwhelming,
but I cannot cheat on Deedee.
And I cannot guarantee the results
of the transfusion.
My flesh is decarbonised, hers is not.
Anything could happen -
or nothing at all.
I'll take my chances.
Hey Mort, you got any more of those sausages,
they were really - whoa!
What's all this?
What the hell is that?
Stan - Deedee.
Mort wants to bring her back to life.
Well, I always knew you were a bit off, but -
And he's using Kai's protoblood to do it.
Oh no no no no, forget that.
This just in -
after shooting three innocent people
in a case of mistaken identity this morning,
the manhunt leader FBI
Special Agent Moss was quoted as saying
"A tough break for them,
but that's the price we pay for law and order".
It seems the fugitives are still at large.
OK.
Kai's awake and we have to contact 790 again.
No pain?
Not in the last 6000 years.
OK, that's enough pal.
Come back to me my love -
come back to me.
Gotcha! Hold it right there.
- Who are ya? - I'm -
Deedee.
Oh yeah?
I knew a Deedee once.
- Where's Mort? - Not here.
Can I help you?
Yes you can.
And you can start
by putting down that radio.
What seems to be the problem, officer?
Oh, I dunno.
I'd say that one problem is that
I recently saw you dead
in the mortuary.
And another little problem -
there's three fugitives on the loose
and one of them exactly matches
your description.
And a third problem -
your problem -
you're under arrest
But I'm not a criminal!
I'm just a girl from another town,
who almost died until Mr Mort revived me.
He was about to start embalming me
when he saw that I was still alive.
Uh huh. And how did he
revive you?
With protoblood -
but he didn't revive all of me.
I bet you could.
What are you getting at?
You see, as I felt the life
going out of me,
I wanted to cry,
because I knew I'd never again get
the chance to clamp myself
onto a strong male body.
I thought about the thrill of hot
sex, hot sex, and more hot sex
for hours and hours and days until
I ached for one last
stroke,
one last lick, one last
blast.
The final words I remember
coming out of my full
luscious mouth
before everything went dark
were
"I
need a
man"!
That's
quite the story.
Want to give it a happy ending?
Why, I -
Please.
You're so big,
and handsome,
and big -
and I need someone to protect me
from those awful fugitives.
Well, I think the thing to do
is to find them, ma'am,
now that's
my job.
I'd love to stay,
I truly would,
but I can't fornicate -
er, fraternise,
on duty but I'll be,
I'll be back as soon as my shift is over.
You can count on that.
Deedee -
I'll have you walking bowlegged.
I can't wait.
Me neither.
No, I want to speak
to the FBI officer in charge of the case.
No, you heard me -
good!
But I don't understand, the transfusion is complete.
Deedee.
Deedee!
Kai, what state are you in?
Right now I am fluly alert.
OK, good,
'cause you have to tell 790 to help us,
otherwise he won't listen.
- I do will that for you Xev. - OK.
790? 790, this is Xev, come in.
He will listen to me.
790, stand by for Kai.
I'm here. Boy, your
voice is grating. What do you want?
Kai, talk to 790, please. Kai -
Now, following good but
tough police methods
I nave managed to locate
the Prime Ridge fugitives.
Well of course I'll hand them over to you -
if I receive the correct credit
for the collar.
I think he warmed up too much.
We can get him back in the freezer, right?
You know, I was reading about you FBI state police
in the newspaper, doing this an that,
well you heard me -
you fat cat,
know nothing, city slicker.
I...
I'm the hero on this one, I want to be recognised for it.
I want... I want... I want approved press pieces,
I want to check the photographs, everything.
It's my time now see,
Mr FBI,
my glory.
I'll give you.. I'll giv you one hour
to consider my offer,
then I'll get back to you, I want your answer on the table.
Understand?
Good.
I don't think it's gonna work, Mort.
It must work. It has to
whatever.
Look -
I gotta get some sleep.
Me too.
Of course. You're right.
It's time to pack it in.
Pack her back in the freezer.
Kill.
Hello Deedee.
Welcome back to life -
in a sense.
Na na noo?
Mort
will be pleased
to see that my protoblood
has been able to reanimate you.
Mort?
No.
Grr - yuck.
Many would agree with you,
but Mort does not.
He loves you
No t - t - t -?
Mort had his eye on a pair
but they were the wrong
blood type.
Deedee?
Deedee!
My Deedee.
When I think of all the times
I watched you,
looked at you, touched you -
and now to have you alive,
all of you, you're -
oh, Deedee.
You're everything I hoped for,
dreamed of -
Oh, here I am.
I'm yours, your creator,
your Mort.
Mort.
Mort? -
Mort...
got Mort
germs, got
- Mort germs! - Deedee? I saved you.
- Why! - Stop!
Stop! Please Deedee, no -
- Love is cruel, Mort. - Deedee no -
Kill.
- Kill. Kill. - Kai,
- O... kill. - Mort do something!
Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill...
We gotta get Kai back in the freezer.
Yes.
I think she needs more work Mort.
This was just the first date.
Oh no!
I have another viewing in an hour.
- Another one? - Yes.
Going somewhere?
They're not perfect, but they're better than nothing,
and at least they're the right blood type, so -
I culled her breasts.
But now I have to go out for more glue
before they can be attached to Deedee.
Aww, yuck!
You're busted, pal.
Oh, me?
No no, see I...
I'm... I'm a relative of the dead guy,
the dead girl here,
and it's really
awful about what happened
and so, er,
I'm just here to do the
boo hoo hoo thing
before we fire the
poor young thing into the protein bank -
- into the ground. - Is that so?
Yeah, yeah, that's about it.
So look, I'll be right back, OK?
- Stay right there - Yeah, right here, yeah.
I've been waiting for you.
For him? Who is he?
A police officer. Who either
wants to turn us in,
or else become the happiest
man in the universe - right?
You know, I was raised a love slave,
and I can please you in a way
that only a love slave can.
Oh yeah, yeuh I... I'd definitely go
for the love slave treatment.
I'm the best you'll ever have, officer.
And all you have to do
is let us slip out of town -
after we
slip out of each other.
And love slaves are really good.
You know this town is crawling with cops.
There's choppers in the air,
and dogs in the wood, and FBI men on every corner.
You take one step out of here and you're busted.
But I guess I got a little time
to kill before
I have to make a phone call,
and it don't matter much whether I spend it
talking to you two here,
or whether I spend it alone with the young lady.
So you -
you go get your clothes off.
I'm right there.
- Who's that? - There's a viewing -
- it's the family. - Yeah, it's the family.
What are you doing?
Hi folks. Please,
come on in.
How're you doing? Not so good, huh?
well, that's understandable in the circumstances.
That you know...
Yeah, your... your family member's
right over there.
She's all there - mostly.
Wait.
Close your eyes.
You like playing games, huh?
- Oh yeah. - Oh yeah.
Oh you naughty girl.
Hey, where are you?
Over here, deputy.
- I got less than an hour, remember? - It won't take that long.
Baby baby,
you give me chills all over.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah!
Are you twins?
Oh yeah, twins.
Well, that's great.
Were you mistaken for each other a lot,
you know, people thinking that
she was you, you were her, you know, that sort of thing?
Maybe you forgot yourself sometimes, huh?
What about boyfriends, did you sometimes date her boyfriends,
as sort of a joke?
Maybe not as a joke.
Where's the guy with the gun?
- With Deedee. - With Deedee - oh
You're hot,
you're hot, you're hot!
I am done.
And now that I am done,
I'm gonna turn you in anyway.
I'm gonna claim my celebrity.
More, more, I want more.
I'm sorry,
I'm only good for one.
I gotta go get famous.
Deedee?
Deedee Figelshwick?
You're -
she's dead.
What the hell is going on here?
- This is sick! - Deedee?
Mort, you rotten piece of work -
what exactly have you got going on here?
Deedee's mine. What are you doing with her?
Well, what does it look like?
My pants are down, she's spread across the table,
like she always was.
What the hell is this?
Deedee died.
She's still dead.
Well,
that explains
why she was so cold at least.
Look, I'm having a busy day.
You two stay right here.
I'm gonna catch me a couple of fugitives,
I'll be right back to take care of you two.
Stop in the name of the law or I'll shoot!
And you know, maybe, er,
when you get over all this, you know,
maybe you and I could -
Bad timing, huh?
You know, sometimes I,
I see a pretty girl, you know, and I just go
a little bit crazy, I'm sorry.
It's just that, you know, your daughter here,
not the dead one that
is, she just, just -
She seems to have an eye for me.
I suppose you wanna hit me too.
Wanna ride my pony?
Festus Trout!
You agreed to meet me.
Meet me in the field!
This is nuts.
Now you stay away from me.
I gotta go get famous.
She's mine.
Stan -
quick, the radio.
790?
- 790, come in. - Oh, it's you again.
Quick, Kai - tell him to do what we ask for.
790 -
do whatever Stan and Xev ask.
You melt me with that raspy tone.
How are you my love?
- I've missed you. - Enough of that!
We're in Rimsore, Ohio,
and we're surrounded by the police.
You have to get them away from us
so that we can escape.
Is that all?
All units, all units.
The suspects have left Rimsore vicinity
on a stolen tractor mower
and are proceeding north by north-west toward
Tendercheeks county.
Standby for the latest co-ordinates.
In Rimsore, the excitement's over with.
We hear the crooks are on the move, and so are the cops.
They've moved out lock stock
and barrel and are heading up north.
Mort -
do you have a car we could use?
Yes - there's a black hearse out back,
the keys are in it. Take it -
- I won't need it anymore - Thanks.
Thanks Mort - and look,
sorry for your, your loss.
Yeah, me too.
Thank you. You'd better go.
Goodbye.
M...Mort.
Deedee! You live!
Oh Deedee, I'm so sorry
for everything that I put you through.
Please don't hate me.
- I love you. - G-g-g-g-
Deedee -
it's the protoblood that's keeping you alive,
even with all the bullet holes,
but they say that it won't last for long,
so I'm gonna put you back
in the freezer and only bring you out
when I really feel like loving you.
More...
protoblood.
- Yes. - More...
Oh, yes.
I kill you
in the name of His Divine Shadow.
Kill
kill kill
kill
kill...
Well, here we are Xev.
Different car, same problem.
We'll get through it Stan -
- somehow. - Or not.
Or not.
Memory Catacombs.
Mikl, Bars (синхронизация и корректировка)