Oh, I've seen enough. Let's go back to the Lexx.
Stan, this is important to Kai.
Well Xev, it may be important to the dead,
but it is not at all important to the living.
How come you're so motivated to do this?
As you know, I have the many thousands of memories
of those killed by His Divine Shadow.
Dark knowledge from one of those memories leads me here.
OK, that's it Xev. Turn this bug around right now!
I just want Kai to have his fun.
I'm sorry Xev, the dead do not have fun.
Where are we now?
Transylvania.
There - a clearing.
I'll just stay right here.
- Don't say a word. - I won't -
except that you're entering stage two.
Stage two?
The three stages of Stanley H Tweedle:
When you're not scared, you're hungry.
When you're not hungry, you can only think about sex.
When you're not thinking about sex, you're scared.
Very funny.
- What's making those noises? - They are bats.
- What are bats? - Flying mammals common to Earth,
several species of which are known to suck the blood of large animals.
Oh, right.
Kai!
What is it?
It is what I have come for.
Lexx 4.07 Walpurgis Night.
Hmm - homey.
Those of the devil,
leave here -
this is still a place of God.
This is still a place of light.
- Thank you for your gift - Leave here, leave here.
Yeah, I'd be happy to leave - soon as the bats clear up.
I have come to find whoever lives in this castle.
You heard Father Borscht.
You're not welcome here.
Well, then we will leave.
But before we do so, I was hoping to take a nice hot bath,
and wash all this nasty dirt from my aching naked body.
A Borscht -
perhaps we could let them stay for a while.
The bats will settle in a minute or two.
Ah, let me see.
I want a slab of your finest rarest meat.
And don't bother giving me any of that green stuff with it.
I asked for food, not water.
This tavern doesn't have food.
Drink it.
That's not water!
Your friend -
he lacks colour.
He lacks colour, because he's dead.
I asked you to leave.
We don't want your kind here.
You seem to believe I am something that I am not.
I believe in many things,
and
I know who you are.
Have you encountered something like me before?
This land
is full of darkness and death.
When I was a young man,
I met the master of them all.
Its skin
was
cold and white -
like yours.
Where can I find this master?
The master is never found. The master finds you.
You absolute bitch, you ate my rat!
I'm sorry.
Xev. Xev Bellringer.
- Davinia Silver. - Mandragora Morgana.
And I'm Muffy.
- Where are you from? - B3K
Where's that?
In the Light Universe. I grew up in a box there.
Oh, we grew up in Squatney, we can sympathise.
- Is that around here? - No.
We're on a package holiday. Transylvania is so much more us.
A man in black with you is also so much more - us.
Wouldn't you say?
If you need the dead.
We do!
Hmm.
The master never ventures forth from the castle,
preferring to sit on a throne of coffins,
like a spider in the centre of its web.
But beware, for sometimes the spider has to hunt further
but once caught, they become slaves.
I thought perhaps
that you were such a slave.
I am not.
No, you're not -
but my son -
kill spider.
If I can, I will.
Hey, Xevvy baby! Woo, new look.
It's called a dirndl.
Makes me think of mountains.
What are you drinking, Stan?
Water.
Special, special mountain water.
Hey Kai, you need a new look -
maybe you should wear one of those dribbles.
Dirndls.
Kai.
Hey Xev, wait up!
Just give me another glass of that water, just one more.
Kai, wait!
Xev, the bats have gone.
Stay at the inn. I have something I must do, alone.
I know you have something to do - and I'm here to help you.
You cannot help me.
You think you always have to protect Stan and me,
and most of the time it's probably true,
but sometimes we can help you.
Kai!
I'm really really hungry.
You gotta have something here I can eat, just some little thing.
On Walpurgis Night a great feast is prepared at the castle.
- Oh, when is this Walpurgis Night? - Tonight.
Well, that's where I'm going.
Tell me, Captain Tweedle was it?
Have you ever heard of vampires?
Vampires? Er, no.
The peasants believe all vampires are immortal.
The damned, the curse of this land.
It's hardly something an educated man believes in these days but still,
it's a brave man who takes up an invitation
to dine at Lord Dracul's table on Walpurgis Night.
Well, Stanley H Tweedle is a brave man -
well, you know, more or less, depending on the circumstances.
They say the crucifix you wear around your neck
is one of the few things that can deter a vampire from its hunger.
A vampire will make no reflection in a mirror.
Garlic -
holy water -
the relics of the blessed -
are supposed to protect you as well.
I don't need any of that stuff.
The villagers will tell you that Lord Dracul,
Count Vorga, is vampire incarnate.
They will tell you this nonsense because they believe it themselves,
but really -
Dracul is nothing more than i am -
a ruined old drunk.
I too am a ruined old drunk, and it's no nonsense.
OK - who do I believe?
Believe me,
because my family have hunted vampires for generations.
Believe me, because i came to Vorga.
seeking to claim my birthright as destroyer
of the Dracul, and found nothing but smoke and mirrors,
and peasants living in the shadow of ancient superstitions.
Believe me, because
my name is Joseph Van Helsing.
Say, could I get some of that garlic and stuff from you,
you know, just to be on the safe side?
In death I have been a great darkness,
but I know there are shadows that run darker still.
Kai.
Father Borscht.
Looks like we're in for some action, girls.
You can believe what you want to believe -
it's smoke and mirrors I tell you
all smoke and mirrors.
Will you be dining with us tonight, Van Helsing?
No thank you,
Renfield.
Anyway, the feast is ready.
Count Dracul will receive all who wish to dine with him.
Count us in then, monkey boy.
We didn't come here for the sunshine.
I also would like to meet this Dracul.
Er - I'm gonna stick with Kai and Xev.
Look - no hands!
Does my diet disgust you?
No.
Mmm, your friend Xev was right.
You absolutely reek of death.
I have killed many people.
Would you kill me?
I'm sure he'd much rather kill me.
So -
girls, there's lots of room over here.
And how many people have you killed, mr Tweedle?
Oh, I lost count after I blew up my first planet.
I bet when you kill you like to get
up close and personal, don't you Kai?
As an assassin in the Divine Order,
I obeyed the instructions of His Divine Shadow precisely.
Sometimes I killed very slowly to draw out the suffering.
Do you have a special way, Mr Tweedle?
Oh, I have a special way to do -
everything.
I have carved something for you, Stanley.
What's this?
An ocarina.
When blown correctly it should imitate the mating call of our moths.
Mating call, uh?
Well, you know, thanks Kai but -
I don't find our moths attractive in any way.
Some day you may.
If I have a problem, return with Xev in the moth to the Lexx,
then destroy this planet immediately.
Yeah, I've been in favour of doing that for some time, Kai old pal.
He does that a lot.
OK, so -
now -
who wants to come over here and sit next to Stan the man?
Oh, come on girls!
I'm gonna be dead someday too, you know.
Soon, hopefully.
This way.
- Where's Kai? - I don't know.
- He fired his brace and disappeared. - Where?
I don't know. Somewhere. I don't like it.
When I get home I'm definitely doing my bedroom like this.
Make a change from all those Britney posters.
Shh - silence.
My friends, my children!
Welcome to my home!
Welcome to Castle Dracul!
Er -
The guy down at the inn said something about food.
Of course!
The feast awaits.
Ho ho! Now we're talking!
Be careful Stanley. If you was Kai then I guess you should worry us too.
Don't worry - I've got protection.
I must congratulate Renfield.
He's chosen the most attractive guests for me on this Walpurgis Night.
We chose to come here by ourselves, count Dracul.
Indubitably.
In that case, I shall ensure the pleasure is all yours.
This pie - this is delicious. What's in this?
- Dead things. - What dead things?
Just dead things.
Right.
The tour book says you've been throwing
a feast like this on Walpurgis Night for years.
For centuries.
My family have always liked
- to invite the local people. - Over for a bite?
- What? - God, Vinny,
take a look in the mirror sometime!
A vampire will make no reflection in a mirror.
Is there a problem, Mr. Tweedle?
Ah.
I was just wondering can I have some more dead thing pie?
Help yourself.
Your skin is so youthful, so alive.
She's 4000 years old.
Then like me, you are well preserved.
Oh, you should wear your hair up.
It accentuates your neck.
Tell me.
There was another with you, a man in black. Where is he now?
He - he went outside, to pick flowers.
The only flowers in my forests are poisonous.
Tell me.
He went looking for bats.
See? I knew it, I knew it, he's a vampire! Нave a taste of this, Draccy!
Sit down.
It's all right Renfield.
My guests must forgive me I've not had company -
in quite some time, and my manners have all but died.
Master, i am really sorry, but I come with terrible news.
The wolves are abroad.
No journeyman will reach the village alive.
Oh, what a pity. It seems you will all stay here tonight.
Why?
Wolves are very ferocious animals.
So?
So, we don't go anywhere near them.
Maybe they taste good?
Er - the rains.
The rains have washed away the, er - bridge.
Over ravine.
OK - how do we get outta here?
We're staying.
I'm afraid you have very little choice, you will stay here with me.
Renfield.
Take our guests to their rooms.
And prepare one more.
I have a feeling we have another very special guest tonight.
It's just a shame I've not met him yet.
Did you see that, did you see how I spotted him?
I knew he was a vampire.
I don't care what he is, we have to find Kai
and help him do whatever it is that he came here to do.
But what about the girls, maybe I can help them too?
Dracul is sooo mine.
He is so mine!
No girls - we are all his.
I think the girls will be just fine.
Yeah, but, but - maybe I can save them, see -
Kai can do whatever he's doing, and I can save the girls -
- I've got the technology! - Stan.
I think we can give you a new stage.
Stage four, for stupidity.
You wish!
Kai!
I'm so pleased to see you.
I can see that. The Count is not what Stanley understands to be a vampire.
Are these vampire things what made you come here?
- Yes and no. - What do you mean?
I may not be the only creature to have survived the fall of the Cluster.
Another being similar to me
may also have escaped from the Light Universe.
How? It's been 4000 years since the Light Universe was destroyed.
Wouldn't it need protoblood to keep going?
Protoblood - or a cryopod where it could remain in frozen sleep.
So you think there's another Divine Assassin on this planet?
The Divine Order commanded greater hunters then the Divine Assassins.
Sometimes an assassin would malfunction.
so His Shadow developed a special breed of super assassins,
designed to hunt down and destroy those, who like me,
failed to serve his purposes.
Right. Well, if there is one here, we have to find his cryotube and destroy it.
We can try. But we must be careful.
I have been in hives like this before.
They are the kind of place where people tend to
vanish.
You can all stay here tonight. Oh, and
sleep lightly. The master may
seek your audience.
Seek your audience, yeah.
Only one bed?
So, which one of you girls wants to enjoy the pleasure of being
- saved, by me first? - You don't get it, do you Mr Tweedle?
We don't want to be saved.
Show him, girls.
Er, yes, very nice - so what all that mean?
Our blood types.
We thought the Count might want to know what flavour he's getting.
You mean, you'd rather have him bite you?
Yeah.
- Than have a good time with me? - Yes.
You are very sick individuals.
We're Goths!
Switch Renfield, at your service.
So - you're a hunter of vampires?
I am a hunter, but not of vampires.
Ah, really?
And what do you hunt?
I once hunted people. But today i hunt a greater evils.
What? What? What greater evil?
Perhaps the darkness that spawned your vampire legends.
Then it seems you know the truth behind the veil.
What lies behind the veil?
My great grandfather was the first of my family to encounter the master.
He discovered an ancient myth,
about a demon who fell to earth.
Weakened by its fall, the demon needed to find more of its blood.
So it took to men and women,
made them hunger for the blood of their own now.
They would serve the demon, by drawing in prey,
and in return the demon would nurture them.
Father Borscht.
He spoke of a master of the land,
who could create servants to do his bidding.
If you like.
And there is absolutely no obligation.
I can show you the true origin
of the myth of the vampire.
Dracul!
What is going on here?
This castle is very old.
It has many secrets
just like you.
I don't have any secrets.
Would you care for some wine?
Sure!
- Aren't you going to have some too? - No.
It's good.
You are very beautiful, Xev.
Thank you.
I wasn't always, you know.
Such hair. Such eyes.
Such lips.
Such life.
Dracul - do you want me?
Because I tell you something.
You can have me. I'm a love slave.
How interesting.
- I'll do anything. - I see.
You wish for my embrace?
For starters, anyway
So, how about it?
More wine?
Yes
please.
OK so, first we find Xev and then we get out of here.
No no - first we get out of here, and then we find Xev.
We just -
Definitely not getting out that way I tried the door before, right?
Three times.
Help! Help!
I'm stuck in here with three girls wearing too much makeup,
who want somebody to suck their blood!
Hey, we're not wearing too much makeup!
My children - the time has come.
Sorry to break the news to you, pal,
but nobody's sucking anybody's blood around here,
while Stan the man is in charge.
I'm sorry to disappoint you Mr Tweedle,
but that will not work on me this time.
Get with the plan, Stan.
We invited him in, and that destroys any power you may have over him.
You stay out of this, I'm gonna save you whether you like it or not.
Oh, no - garlic just gives me bad breath.
Sorry - No. No - Sorry.
- Don't make me jump! - Jump!
Yes, jump!
It will tenderise you.
Is there anything else you would like to try on me?
Yeah.
Oh very - I was at least expecting a gun.
OK, what can I say?
- You win, i lose. - That's right.
We win - you die.
Jump! Shut up! Jump!
- Are we dead yet? - Bastard!
- I don't believe it, it worked! - You absolute bastard!
Oh Kai, Think i love you!
I gotta tell you, it's taken an age
to find a man worthy of taking this path,
and I'm quietly confident that you are that man.
Enter.
What, you have fear?
No, as I cannot feel the emotion.
Then what is holding you back?
Perhaps you should have fear. If this is a trap, I will kill you.
Yeah. Enter -
please, please.
Say hello to mummy!
You worried about your friends?
Probably vampires by now, lucky bitches.
Are you going back for your friends?
Well I really really really don't wanna go back there, and neither should you.
Look, if I'm not getting off with Dracul, I am definitely getting off with Kai!
They don't deserve my help, but I will go back and help them
soon as I've had another glass of that funny water they have at the inn.
You mean booze?
Booze? That's a good name for it.
Booze.
Well, at least i still have two of you.
You first.
Ah ah ah - fangs off!
You will serve me, i am a vampire!
Don't think so.
Oh. You have defanged me.
- I'm supposed to bite things! - Oh, you bite all right.
You also suck.
How dare you talk to me like that! I am Dracul!
You're nothing, bat boy.
You let Captain Tweedle get away.
Ah, yes - but I have the girl Xev.
I captured her - for you.
- Girl. - Yummy.
All right, all right.
- Drink? - Five drinks - all booze.
Hey!
You survived the Count's feast!
Barely. Of course he survived.
Dracul is a curse on us.
He does not just rule this land, he drains it of life!
Yeah, he might.
He might, he might rip off your heads and spit down
your throat, and he might - er...
rip open your guts and use them to make little baskets.
You are so embarrassing.
What, so what?
This could be your chance. This could be your one chance
to show him that sure he can,
he can take your finest rarest meats, and
he can take your - your other things,
but he cannot take your freedom!
Does he have any good food up there?
- He's got dead thing pie. - I love dead thing pie!
Yeah, guys, I think you're gonna need bigger weapons than that.
Finally - some progress in these peasants' lives.
To the castle! Dead thing pie! Dead thing pie!
Are we coming?
Hey hey hey hey!
I thought you said vampires didn't exist, that it was all nonsense.
They don't exist.
At least, I don't think they exist
I can't go up there.
Dead thing pie!
Xev! Xev!
We've come to be with you Xev.
Have you been eaten yet?
Oh, we were eaten a long time ago.
And now -
we want to eat you.
After all - you're young,
and strong, and full of kisses.
Sure I am.
Full of kisses for everyone.
I am the master of this castle!
I am Lord Dracul, Count of Vorga,
and my authority will not be usurped.
Look at me -
am I not glorious?
This is not a charade.
Oh, bugger!
Dead thing pie! Dead thing pie! Dead thing pie!
- Yes? - Lynch mob!
- That was easy. - Dead thing pie!
I'm not a vampire.
Why do you pretend to be this Dracul?
I'm just an english actor!
Listen - I was paid to do this job by the real owner of this castle.
It's just a show to keep the peasants in line!
You know, I was offered.
Richard the 3rd at the National Theatre,
and I turned it down just to do this bloody job!
- Where is the real owner? - I don't know, I've never met him.
Renfield is the go-between.
I am the master.
You're not the master, you're a fool.
Where is the master?
This is my castle.
I am the only master.
There was no go-between.
It was all just a ruse to put the stupid peasants in their place.
Is he the only master?
Good shot!
Well, that's a switch five minutes ago you were ready
to have his little vampire babies.
We all have phases.
That wasn't in my contract!
Why did you shoot him?
Because he was a bad actor!
Not. That's what i call a good shot!
Join us, Xev.
Burn with us.
Hold us. Join us.
Sisters!
I was just starting to have fun!
- Were you in here? - Yes.
What did it feel like?
It was a penetrating experience.
- Thanks - For what?
For rescuing me.
Finally!
How can I show my gratitude?
In many ways.
Well there's no time like the present, is there?
My thoughts exactly.
Tasty.
Have you found what you were looking for?
- No. - Is that a bad thing or a good thing?
It is not bad.
I'm quite ready to leave Transylvania right now, are you?
- Yes. - Good.
I've been having the strangest dreams here.
Sounds like Stan is finally getting some enjoyment.
Bye bye.
Smell my fingers.
Time to show the queen bitch.
That was quick.
I'm not finished yet, but I soon will be,
I promise!
I am weak.
Why have you awakened me?
Renfield has been lost.
Then you must replace him.
You need not awaken me to do that.
We have replaced him.
We woke you to tell our mistress that we have served you well.
Very very well.
More!
We can get you more.
We can get you all you need.
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